Tag Archive | parenting

I swear…

I was asked to contribute to a BBC programme a while ago now. It was about how strict we are with our children.

I’m so glad I didn’t go – I don’t think I could have been strict enough with myself not to swear!

I hate the concept of strict. It suggests the position of a dictator. And since I feel parenting is about RESPECT, dictatorship has nothing to do with it and being strict or not is beside the point.

The fundamental point of parenting and the point of power – if anyone needs it – lies within the power of a respectful relationship which is a mutual thing. Not anything to do with how strict a person is. And although I could replace the concept of ‘strict’ with ‘consistent’, parenting also always needs to be flexible!

However, that aside, I think there was also another agenda to them asking me. I sense that there might have been an underlying suggestion that maybe home educators weren’t strict enough with the kids to make them go to school. Had that argument come up it certainly would have ignited some colourful language from me.

I know I’m supposed to be able to express myself better, me being a writer an all! But I swear that some people’s ignorance drives me to desperate measures. And we’ve all come across profound ignorance among people with no experience of home education who feel qualified to judge.

And I also find difficulty with the concept of ‘making’ children do anything, including going to school. If a child is having to be ‘made’ to go to school there needs to be some serious examination of why? Not only why don’t they want to go, and what’s wrong with the school/teaching/system (too long to go into that one here), but also why is it acceptable that children have their preferences ignored? Part of any respectful relationship requires understanding and tolerance of each other, tolerance of differences and preferences. There shouldn’t be one rule for adults on this and another for the kids because they’re smaller. RESPECT is respect – irrespective of age. When I see lack of it towards children because of their status it drives me…well…

I swear it drives me to distraction.

And sometimes I just swear for the fun of it!

 

Treat a bad day like passing wind!

Waiting for the climate to change!

Being the best parent you can be (see last post) is exhausting. You’re bound to get a bad day. A day when you probably wish you weren’t a parent at all and had another job!

We all get them whatever job we’re doing. Whether it’s parenting, home educating, employment out the home, self employment, what ever path you’re forging you’re bound to get a day that’s totally crap. It’s a life thing – not a job thing.

It’s odd though; when you’re an employee you tend to blame the job. When you’re a parent, particularly a home schooling parent, you tend to blame yourself. And that makes a crap day a whole lot crappier!

So this is a post just to say: DON’T BLAME YOURSELF.

We all love our kids to bits and love being with them – of course we do. (I’m assuming you wouldn’t be the kind of person bothering to read this if you didn’t) But that’s not going to mean that we won’t get down about life occasionally. It’s just what happens, whatever we do, and is as natural a part of the human condition as passing wind! And – yes – everyone passes wind even those who pretend otherwise. Equally, everyone will suffer a bad day even if they pretend they’re perfect.

But that doesn’t make us bad parents or bad home educators. It’s just the way it is sometimes. So don’t beat yourself up over it. The best way to help yourselves is to ACCEPT it. It’s just life. And nurture yourself through this bit just as you would nurture a friend.

If you viewed your parenting, or home educating role, like you’d view employment, you’d accept there’s bound to be bad days when you’re giving less than you’d like. If you were employed you might even throw a sickie!

Can’t do that as a parent – but you can go easy on yourself for a day till it passes. Also remember there are teachers, nursery workers, assistants, helpers, who will be working through a bad day without giving their best either. It’s just normal having a bad day from time to time. Doesn’t make you a bad person, just because you can’t give your best today.

Make a cuppa. Sit it out. Accept it gracefully. Wait for the climate of your day to change. You’re just human. Deal with it with the compassion and gentleness that makes you humane.

This will show your children the skills to deal with bad days whenever they get them too, and help them understand bad days are part of life and not to worry – the climate always changes – bad wind always passes! So even on a bad day you’ll be teaching them something through your parenting! Take comfort from that. And if you’re suffering one right now, may your climate soon change!

The best way to parent

If you want them to be interested in caring for the world get them out and show them what to care for

I didn’t think I’d ever make such a statement – or a suggestion. I didn’t think I’d ever be so arrogant as to assume I knew what the best way to parent was!

I’m not saying I do it’s just that I read a rather nice statement the other day that put me in mind of it. It said that the best way we can serve others is by being an example and an inspiration. And it came to me that this is exactly true of parenting.

The best parent that you can be comes not from parenting rules or trends. It comes more importantly from being  the best person you can be.

Through being the best person you can be you demonstrate to your children what a best person looks like – what they can to aim for. So maybe the best way to parent is through being an example of the kind of person you’d like your children to become.

Children learn far, far, far more through example than through anything else.

Thus; if you want to raise kind, considerate people you show them what kind, considerate is.

You inspire them to work, learn, relate to others by the way you work, learn, relate to others.

You encourage them to take care of the world and the things in it by the way you take care of those things.

You teach them how to love and respect by the way you love and respect.

You also show them how to discern, decide and gracefully detach when need be by the way in which you do that.

If you want to raise kids who contribute to the way the world works then you’ll do that through your own contribution (parenting being one of the most important contributions you can make).

If you want to raise children who have standards and morals and principles you need to decide for yourself what standards, principles and morals are important to you and live by them – consistently.

And if you want to raise people who know how to relax, take care of their mind body and spirit, then the way you do that will be the most influential demonstration they could have.

This perhaps is not only the best way to parent, but also the simplest way to parent. Be who you want them to become, then allow them the integrity to follow.

You inspire by your consistent example – and it won’t just be your kids, it will be other parents too.

Don’t you think that’s an awesome thought?

Sibling conflict and The Wrong Adventure

 

Have you come across Harry? He’s the star of the story ‘Who’s Not In School?’ and he gets up to all sorts of adventures in a typical family week with kids at home.

In book two; ‘The Wrong Adventure’, he decides to tunnel out. Why? Because he wants to get away from his older brother and sister as everything he does seems to annoy them. He’s not doing what he does specifically to annoy, as all older siblings seem to feel, but because he’s curious. and it gets the better of him. He ends up exploring things he shouldn’t!

It’s typical in most households and was loosely based on what happened in this one, when the youngest was constantly fascinated with the activities of the eldest and wanted part of it, or hands on it, or to do the activities for herself however inappropriate. And however much I tried to involve both in activities at their own level there were times it seemed impossible, times when the eldest just wanted to absorb herself in what she was doing without having to guard against little fingers grabbing stuff all the time.

You have to be careful how you react to this scenario, I discovered. You can find yourself involved in a sibling competition to get you onside.

You have to be canny. You have to try and resolve it without that happening. Better still, you have to lead them to resolving it themselves to the satisfaction of both – but this can only happen with a certain maturity and there are times when they’re just no old enough.

I tried talking, explaining, compromise and keeping respectful and if all that fails distraction and diversion. And have to admit sibling rivalry could become quite wearing. But all would be resolved in the end, togetherness restored, even though I got it disastrously wrong at times as all parents do, so don’t worry, it’s not just you! And they’ve forgiven me!

And the only fights they ever get into now is united, side by side, in fierce loyalty against any challenges to it – together! It’s been lovely to see and not something I could ever have imagined when crayons were flying across the room!

So, why is Harry on the wrong adventure? Well, if you haven’t guessed by this post, I’ll leave you to find out for yourself when you read it. Read it together with your little ones and it might give you an opportunity to talk about how siblings treat each other and how it could be improved in your household when everyone is at loggerheads. For what’s required is to see each other’s point of view and hopefully this story will help that.

 

‘The Wrong Adventure’ is published by Bird’s Nest Books and is also available on Amazon.

A way to renew this Easter

One of the beautiful things about life with young children – as well as the children themselves, of course – is their awe and delight in

Take a moment with the kids to appreciate the little things like droplets on a feather

the simplest of little things. A ladybird on the pavement. A tree for climbing. A hole in the undergrowth just right for crawling into. A wall for walking along. The feel of mud through fingers. The splashy noise of puddles.

It’s such a magic time and parents get the joy of sharing these things – if you take the time, that is.

Are you missing it?

A way of not missing it is to slow down and look at the little things as if they were new to you too. Indulge in the delight of really looking – like kids do. Of looking through the lens of their eyes, seeing things as if for the first time. What better way to spend the weekend?

Easter is traditionally a time of regrowth and rebirth. Maybe you could do your own bit of rebirthing and learn from your kids – learn from the little people who are usually learning from you. We’re never too grown up to change. Learn how to see with a different view – their view – their delight.

So how about, whatever the weather, leaving the phones and tablets behind, getting out in a green space somewhere, and observing the world with renewed eyes, attitude and time frame?

Take time to replenish yourself by going at their pace, change your momentum and the way you race by all the tiny wonders around without really seeing, without really feeling the awe. Slow down. Look closely. Absorb yourself. It’s quite a meditative practice – just what we need sometimes!

And renewing yourself will help you be the best parent you can be – one that’s never to busy to enjoy the little things with the kids. They’ll remember you for that!

Happy Easter!

Blues and spirals

The only snag with going away and having a fab time is the blues that hit you afterwards. After a super time with my daughter last week the isolation of a writer’s life seems suddenly unappealing!

I was having an utterly downward spiraling day yesterday. Writing can get you like that sometimes.

Then I read the reviews of my latest book on Amazon.

I rarely look at them. Mostly I don’t feel strong enough. There are things said on occasion that you have to brace yourself for as a writer. And even though you don’t expect everyone to like your work or agree with what you’re saying, it does take some weathering when you’re attacked. Home education is a contentious subject anyway and we’ve all been gored by remarks from those who are less than kind.

But WOW! Those reviews of ‘A Home Education Notebook to Encourage and Inspiremade me spiral in a different direction. Upwards!

THANK YOU!

If you’re the author of one of those reviews thank you SO much. I am deeply grateful for you taking the time to leave such inspiring messages. You are succour to the writer’s soul and the inspiration needed to keep going.

However, apart from making me feel better – for which I’m truly grateful – you are also helping so many others. Did you know that?

Many people don’t realise this but reviews have an impact on a book’s reach. Obviously, if it’s a good review, it’s going to encourage others to read it. But much more valuable than that is the fact that the more reviews there are the more the book gets noticed. And the more that happens the more likely it is that the people who need it find it.

We become so immersed in our home educating world we forget sometimes that others don’t even know it’s an option, let alone a workable one. And I think about those parents who are struggling with an unhappy child in school, wishing they could do something different, suddenly finding a book which suggests they can! Your reviews help that to happen. That’s what you do by taking the time to post on Amazon, Goodreads, wherever.

So if you’ve read any of my books – remembering there’s one just for mums too – please click the review button on the Amazon page and post a review, doesn’t matter how short, and you may help others trapped in an unhappy cycle of school, or lack of support, or just looking for a bit of help.

And once again, a heartfelt thank you to all those who already have.

What big deal was that?

 Occasionally I ask the girls, now in their mid twenties, if home education ever comes into the conversation or the equation of their life these days. It seemed such a big deal at the time and I often wonder if it still has any significance beyond their childhoods. Although it was no big deal to them; just the way it was.

Charley has been applying for different jobs recently having moved to a new location and a new life with her partner. So it was an opportunity for it to come up as she went to interviews.

“If people ask”, she told me, “it’s usually with genuine interest. I’ve never had any negatives”.

And as for Chelsea she says it all seems so far away now so it only ever comes up socially like the other day in the pub. A newly qualified young teacher was talking to her about her new job with disillusionment about all she was expected to do to kids which to her didn’t seem ethical in some respects, let alone valuable. Chelsea directed her to me!

Sometimes, she says, with her reaching the age of contemporaries having families and wondering about home education, it comes up and Chelsea is cited as as an example of the way a home educated youngster turns out – as in being not weird, or unable to mix, hiding under mother’s skirts, or unable to speak to people. Having friends. As this is what people seem to fear the most when it is new and raw and they’re doubting dreadfully, worrying whether they’ll still have any kind of relationships after home educating.

Quit worrying! They do! We do!

I’m going for a holiday with her next week – we love to be together – she has friends and a life and is very busy with it. But she’s got a little space between performances and their next Fringe production. I’m going to fill it, and we’re taking a little break together.

But I wanted you to know that their home educating past has paled into insignificance compared to the adult lives and relationships that they – and more importantly we – have now of deepest love, trust and respect.

And that big deal – that massive all-consuming deal you’re living right now with your kids – will probably mature into the same! And you’ll all be saying; ‘What big deal was that’?