Snorting bugs

I was lying face down in the grass nose buried in it, sniffing. It had the most delectable smell. I drank it in like a drug although I was a little tentative; last time I did this I sniffed an earwig up my nose.

But sometimes you have to take these risks. Because sometimes you just need transporting away from daily parental concerns and it’s contact with the natural world that does it for me.

I thought I was just going to be anxious about babyhood but it seems however old your children are you have concerns. Right from the moment you’re hovering over them checking their breathing to the first day at school. From worrying about your kids eating too much junk food to concerns your teenage girls aren’t eating food at all.

And the biggest one of all; the letting them go concern, like this last weekend when thousands of parents deposit their teenagers at uni, for some the beginning of being away from home long term.

I remember my first time. It initiates a concern like a hard boiled egg sitting somewhere between your heart and your stomach. Right up until now all you’ve been concerned about through the whole of their life is keeping them safe. Then you’re confronted with not being able to do that, not knowing they are safe, and leaving go. The hard boiled egg becomes the size of an unripe melon as you try and find strategies to cope with consumptive anxiety. You work intensely. You fight to get your focus off deathly scenarios. You get involved with new activities like Yoga but you’re still thinking about tonight’s dinner, then you remember; you don’t have to provide dinner any more! For me the natural world is my comfort. Hence, the bug snorting.

I turned over off my face and did a shoulder stand. The sight of my feet against the beautiful blue sky helped a bit with my latest angst. For even though we tend to only consider parents with little children bothering them, the truth is that once a parent always a parent and however old the kids are, whatever they are doing, you still get concerned about them. You still have to find your ways to cope.

The good news is though that gradually your concerns become more soft boiled! Blessings to all those parents who are feeling a bit bereft this morning.

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2 thoughts on “Snorting bugs

  1. It doesn’t have to be as far as uni to make you teary! I read your blog and really felt for you; it’s a huge jump after HEing. I remember it well. My youngest so missed her sister I caved in and brought her a dog. This is not a reflection on her sister I hasten to add, just about me feeling anxious about the gap. Guess who ended up looking after it?! You’d think I’d have learnt something after all the guinea pig moments, etc! Here’s wishing you all a happy transition. x

  2. You’re so right, Ross, it never stops, does it? I know Gordon hasn’t gone off to uni, only to college (started last Mon) but we were so out-of-sorts not having him around for the day; I had a little teary moment, hubby kept re-checking various things with me (he’d been on his night shift & was home after Gordon had left) and Liam was missing his brother terribly! Kept wondering how he’d handle himself, but despite a couple of hiccups (not of his doing), he sailed through 😀

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